Chenoa describes herself as an emotional and soul intelligence expert. She considers her menopause journey as a powerfully positive time of renewal.
Chenoa describes herself as an emotional and soul intelligence expert. She considers her menopause journey as a powerfully positive time of renewal to “create the things that work for me.” In her episode she speaks honestly about the effect her menopause had on sex and intimacy, and how open discussion with her husband helped her move into this next stage in her life with confidence.
menopause: unmuted is designed to raise awareness, encourage communication, and share information. It is not designed to provide medical advice or promote or recommend any treatment option.
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menopause: unmuted
A podcast series to share menopause experiences
Chenoa’s Story
It’s time to unmute menopause.
Hello, and welcome back to menopause: unmuted, a podcast series sponsored by Pfizer.
Menopause is a time of huge change for women, and it can affect almost every aspect of our lives, from our health to relationships.
And it can sometimes be hard to talk about; we’re here to help make that easier by listening to how other woman have navigated their menopause journeys.
I would literally wake up and be so wet that I would have to go change my clothes. Sometimes I would have to change the sheet.
I do feel that menopause and all these changes, like I said, including vaginal changes, they really do, you know, have an impact on the way you feel about yourself as a woman.
I I started noticing that I was getting love handles, as they say belly fat. And I was like, what is this?
I’m your host Mary Jane Minkin. I’m an obstetrician gynecologist and Professor at Yale University School of Medicine. And for Season 2 of the podcast, we’ve turned to the online community, where so many midlife women are connecting and sharing their experiences.
Today we’re hearing from Chenoa Maxwell.
But that intimacy, man, you know, when you're so used to making love and having your body perform, and everything just flowing, and that stops. And if you're the person on the other side, especially for women, I think it becomes something where you're like, oh, my gosh, am I not able to give someone pleasure?
Sex, desire and intimacy, or lack of it, can be a big obstacle on the menopause road. And it can cause a lot of problems for couples, but there are some beautiful solutions, as Chenoa discovered.
Let’s unmute her menopause.
Hi, my name is Chenoa Maxwell. I'm the founder of Live Limitlessly, the number one destination to create new pathways of thinking. I'm an emotional and soul intelligence expert, I am a wife, a daughter, a great friend, and a woman who just loves helping other people have deep connection and reach joy.
My pathway into menopause was actually a real subtle one, it started to tap the windows of my thinking, like what's going on with me?
I've always been really in tune with my body. And since I was always really in tune with my body, and really sexual, it always felt like it was err an overflowing well, if you will … that I never had to worry about. But one night, I remember my, my husband was approaching me in an intimate way. And it just started to, rather than turn me on, make me really agitated. And that was really interesting, because there was nothing going on between us, like we weren't having an argument or a fight, we were just in a very loving moment. But I just remember his touch, started to feel almost like sandpaper, so irritating to me. And no matter what he started to do that night, it just increased my irritation.
And then, as we started to move forward into intimacy, it became so uncomfortable, like so painful. And I remember going through it, because I was waiting for my body to operate like normal and to get wet and to have that kind of satisfaction that I was so used to. But nothing occurred. And that was the very beginning.
And from that moment, that was kind of what started to happen each and every time, we would connect on an intimate level, and we were connecting pretty much every day. So I really was like, oh, no, this is gonna be crazy. And it didn't dawn on me that I was in the stages of menopause at that time, because I was still getting my cycle, a monthly cycle, everything was still kind of regular. There were no indications, and I still felt so young of mind.
So I didn't, you know, correlate it to oh, maybe I'm starting menopause. But the challenge was, even though I was starting to use some natural lubrication, the desire was starting to dwindle. And I was like, what is happening with me? And that was kind of the very first indicators that I probably am going through a change.
If you listened to Season 1, you’ll know that I hear this story a lot. Sometimes it’s literally like a switch and your desire just disappears. It can be an unsettling experience, but it is normal.
The fact that Chenoa was still having her periods threw her off the perimenopause trail, but it’s really quite common to be experiencing these hormonal changes and still experience your monthly cycles.
We certainly can state that the loss of estrogen leads to the vaginal dryness, making it more difficult for women to respond with lubrication as well. And these changes not only can start early but they can get worse even after the last period has stopped. Whereas hot flashes tend to get better over the course of time, the vaginal dryness unfortunately can get worse.
Now, some discomfort is not unusual, but that doesn’t mean you should put up with it – and I’m going to come back to that in a moment. What we do talk about is that there are things called moisturizers and lubricants. Moisturizers are used on a regular basis, inserted into the vagina, usually two to three times a week, to provide ongoing moisture. Lubricants are usually used at the time of intercourse. And, we can also note that basic moisture can be important even without intercourse. Women can experience discomfort from dryness when biking or horseback riding or walking!
An intimate relationship can be an excellent gauge of how you are doing both emotionally and hormonally. Despite Chenoa’s initial response to push through the discomfort and the disconnection, she did take steps to look for answers within herself. And that included opening up to her husband.
I did end up having a conversation with him because he started to notice it. Which was really bad because I think at first I was trying to hide it. Like you can really hide that you're not connected to your soul, you know, your soul mate. For some reason, I thought that he … I was I was playing the enjoyment role really well, cuz I wanted him to not feel like there was something missing between us. I wanted us it to feel normal and regular.
So I just kind of powered through it and tried to find my ways through it, but he stopped me one time and he was like, babe, like what's going on with you? Like every single time we've been connecting, you're, I feel like you're pulling away from me. And I really had to, at that time, get really honest not only with him, but with myself and say, you know what I think I'm, I think I'm going through the change. I think this is part of pre menopause, I think that my body is starting to go, hey, wait a second, I am going to require something different now.
But that intimacy, man, you know, when you're so used to making love and having your body perform, and everything just flowing, and that stops. And if you're the person on the other side, especially for women, I think it becomes something where you're like, oh, my gosh, am I not able to give someone pleasure?
If you stay stuck in that narrative, and that story, you could really start to spin out. And so at right at that moment, I was like, okay, babe, let's start exploring, let's go back to when we were teenagers, if you will, we weren't together when we were teenagers. But let's go back to that time and that space, where we had to really learn what intimacy looked like. And that means that we're going to have to start exploring each other very differently. And especially you exploring me differently, because when you go to the normal go-to areas of my body, the normal, erogenous zones, that normally turned me on, it wasn't working. And like I said, it really actually not only wasn't working, I wanted to chop his hand off, it was like, stop touching me.
So, the very moment that we talked about this, he's like, okay, this could be really fun. Like, we could get back into that exploration. Maybe instead of other parts of my body, you go around, and you go to my belly button, or you rub my feet, and you release the stress in my body. So it started to, we started to kind of make a game out of it, which I'm so grateful that I have a partner who a we're in communication, we have strong communication, but we that he's also open to going on that journey with me. And it was very helpful, because that gave me permission, I think, to go, okay, wait a second, things are changing, and he's with me on this ride.
But you know, when you're changing, when you're in the change of life, that was just one of those things. And we kind of got past that road. And that was a bumpy road at first. But things started to work, you know, when we started to do that, those other explorations. I actually did start, my body started to respond. And so I was really grateful. I was like, oh, wow, this is ... my, my wetness came back, we were able to have sex without lubrication. And, you know, my body started to respond. I'm one of the lucky ones. But then I started to gain weight. Hahahaha. And that was a whole different story hahaha.
I listen to Chenoa talking so openly about sex and menopause and I think, you know what? We’re doing okay!
Approaching sex and intimacy as an opportunity for change and rediscovery together is so healthy and practical. And it’s good to remember that menopause doesn’t always travel in a straight line. If sex gets painful, it doesn’t mean that it will always be painful, but you shouldn’t tolerate discomfort.
This is menopause unmuted where we talk about real women’s menopause stories.
I’m your host Dr Mary Jane Minkin and if you’d like to find out more, visit menopauseunmuted.com or talk to your health care provider.
Let’s get back to Chenoa’s story.
Feeling like you're moving into the change of life makes you feel like you're moving into … like, you're also kind of saying goodbye to your youth. And that's something that you have to really get in alignment with. We're constantly striving to be these superwomen. So when the change happens, and when you start to move into menopausal symptoms, it can be really challenging at first to, to not deny the fact that you're a going through it, and then to not get upset about the fact that, wow, I'm already moving into my next stage of life, I mean, with that you can be, you can become so angry, you can often get really angry and upset and resentful from it.
But the key to life is being okay with where you're at, at all times. First, recognizing okay, let me be honest, that this is where I am, my body's changing. And I don't feel like having sex. Let me just first say that out loud, like, I don't feel like having sex, it's irritating to me, you first have to own it. And that's what I had to do. Because before I was in a lot of denial, like is this happening? But then once you, you know, you'll continue getting upset, if you don't really just accept where you are.
And most of the times when we're not happy with where we are, we put a negative meaning on where we are. So then now it'll be like, oh, my gosh, this is what's happening to me, I don't want it. And this means this means I'm old, this means me and my, my husband and I are not going to be connected. This means that I'm always going to stay heavier than I want to be. This means my figure’s gone. This means I can't sleep at night. You're going to put all those stories to that acceptance. The key, the critical key, move away from those negative stories and start to say, this is happening to me. First of all, what do I want to do with it? What do I choose right now? I choose to think that this is a powerfully positive time. This is a time where I get to re identify with myself, I get to understand myself at a new point at a new level.
For so many years, this was what was working for me, now I get to say, wait, stop. This is no longer working for me, I get to recreate the things that I want for me. I get to re communicate what works. I get to be in the driver's seat of what works. And I get to go into a really amazing exploration of not only myself, but my relationships. I get to hold beautiful new boundaries. So it’s it can be a really exciting time if you approach it with the narratives of what you'd like to see. And for me, I still wanted to have an incredible connection with my husband. He's an amazing partner. I wanted to stay sexy and vibrant and young and full of vitality. I didn't want to be cranky, I didn't want to be anxious. I wanted to have a full night of sleep. So rather than me accepting that, I said, let me find some solutions. Let me find some new solutions. Let me rediscover myself. Let me rediscover my relationship with my husband. And that gave me a more empowered story. So then I didn't feel like I was losing something. I felt like I was gaining something.
How many of you listening recognise the stereotypical image of the cranky menopausal lady of a certain age?
It’s easy to see why for many women, menopause can be an overwhelming time of life – change that can feel diminishing, confusing and exhausting. And it’s often at a time when the generations above and below us need our support and energy.
But Chenoa’s decision to focus on the opportunities that lay before her was very wise.
Many of the physical challenges can be addressed with your health care provider, and when your sleep, energy and temperature, or any of the other not so wonderful aspects of menopause, are being taken seriously, you can start to focus on what you want from this stage of life.
With life expectancy for American women around 81 years, women these days can expect to live around 30 or 40 per cent of their lives in a post-menopausal state.
So it’s well worth being prepared. Indeed I’d like to mention one of my favorite statistics. In the year 1900, in this country the average age at menopause in the US was 48, which was also the average female life expectancy! Now the average age of menopause is 51.4 years, with a life expectancy greater than 80+ years. So now we’re not supposed to go through menopause and die!
One thing that I would love to offer as well is that your body is a temple, right? And so everything that you feed it is going to… you're going to end up seeing it at some point. So if you're listening to this podcast now, and you're not going through this journey, you know that you will go through this journey, start really feeding and nurturing your mind, your body and your spirit, not just not just with like, meditations and all of those things, but with a great community, people that you can really count on and trust and talk to really candidly and authentically, really start building bridges with your relationship, you know, exploring and sharing new ways now, like, you know, so that it's not such a shock to your partner, like, oh, what do you mean, I can't kiss on your breasts.
But if you can start to take each other through those journeys now, then I think when you get there, you'll have a better habit of having these open conversations because I will say that I'm practiced at it. You know, I'm an expert at this. Not everybody listening is going to be an expert at communicating, communication is one of the hardest things that we have, we can't even communicate to ourselves properly. So going down the journey of learning how to talk about hard things. Talk about things that you might feel a little bit uncomfortable or shameful about. Start now. Start drinking more water, eating less sugar, and doing things that can regulate your mind and your body on a more neutral and positive zone. I think it's really important for people to know that now.
Because sometimes when you get to these, these points in your life, and you don't have the tools, it's really challenging to start them right now. So I think that that's a really important part of this journey. And I hope that people who are listening can share this with people who are younger than themselves with their daughters, with their nieces, so that they can start practicing, speaking and talking about things that make themselves feel less than shameful or disempowered. I think that's a really beautiful practice to do.
Be prepared, is really wonderful advice. Even if your menopause is a breeze, every relationship will benefit from a bit of creative thinking, and everybody will respond to good nutrition and mindfulness. I want to say a huge thank you to Chenoa Maxwell for being so open and honest with us today.
No matter which aspect of your health or relationships is affected by menopause, it’s important to talk to your health care provider who can help you with the treatment option that’s right for you.
I’m Mary Jane Minkin, thanks for joining us today, check out our show notes at menopauseunmuted.com.
And in our next episode, we’ll be unmuting Catherine Grace O’Connell’s story.
I'm 59 years young and I am experiencing these years at midlife and beyond in such a different way than what I saw growing up with my mom and my grandmother. I feel like it's the most wonderful time in a woman's life.
Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t worry about speaking up about your menopause.
Women should be able to discuss menopause with their health care providers. A woman can speak out about menopause with her OB/GYN, primary care provider, nurse practitioner or midwife. There are even designated menopause practitioners that a woman can visit if she needs more information.
Special thanks to the Global Women's Health team at Pfizer and to Studio Health for producing this series. Talk soon.
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