Welcome back to menopause: unmuted! This season is kicked off by Deanna’s uplifting menopause story on going through a divorce, becoming a health coach, and reclaiming her sex life. “I mean, let's face it, I do believe that sex in our marriages is so important. It helps keep us young and vibrant.”
In this episode, Deanna talks candidly about relationships, sex and becoming a health coach in midlife. She discusses the realities of going through a divorce while experiencing menopause symptoms, with sleep issues particularly adding stress to this transitional period of her life. Deanna also describes the impact that lowered libido can have on marriage, and shares ways that she has helped to improve intimacy with her partner over the years. Health and fitness also play a key role in Deanna’s menopause journey, eventually leading to a career in health coaching and blogging. This episode touches on several topics that many women may relate to, and Deanna’s honesty and energetic attitude is contagious.
About Deanna Pizitz
Deanna is a Certified Integrative Nutrition Health Coach and life coach, and creator of the Well and Worthy Life blog, which focuses on helping readers build self-inspiration, self-care, and self-love. She is particularly passionate about supporting women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond to regain their energy, improve their fitness, and find purpose. Deanna is a firm believer that “everyone can live a well and worthy life based on the notion that what someone does today and the choices they make today affect their tomorrows.”
Disclaimer: menopause: unmuted is designed to raise awareness, encourage communication, and share information. It is not designed to provide medical advice or promote or recommend any treatment option.
Useful Links:
Listen to our bonus episode on sex & intimacy: An Intimate Menopause w/ Dr. Laurie Mintz
Check out Deanna’s Instagram
Visit Deanna’s blog Well & Worthy Life
Episode 1, Deanna's Story
MJM
It’s time to unmute menopause.
Hello, and welcome to a brand-new season of menopause: unmuted.
menopause: unmuted is for anyone experiencing menopause, or for anyone who just wants to understand it better. A little knowledge and understanding can really improve our relationships, whether that's with family, friends, or even with ourselves.
Menopause is a time of huge change; some of that is - of course – challenging, but it also creates opportunities for new directions, positive evaluation and perhaps even a whole new approach to health and wellness in midlife.
However menopause has touched your life; sharing experiences and stories can help to remind us, that we’re not alone.
I’m your host Mary Jane Minkin, I’m an OBGYN and clinical professor at Yale University School of Medicine, and it’s been such an honour to share the stories of the fabulous women from our previous 3 seasons.
If you’re a new listener, welcome! I’m so proud of the stories we’ve got for this season, but we also have a fantastic range of life experience and information in our earlier episodes.
You can hear women talk about grappling with self-image and anxiety, reflecting on aging, how midlife can be a period of confidence and creativity; and in our bonus episodes, I discuss topics such as sex and strength training with a range of leading experts.
Just subscribe and scroll back through this feed to find out more.
So let’s meet our first guest for season 4!
Deanna, like so many women, took a while to figure out where she was in her menopause journey – but she is one of life’s problem solvers, and I just love her positive attitude. Let’s unmute Deanna’s menopause.
Deanna Pizitz
Hi, I'm Deanna Pizitz, I'm creator of Well and Worthy Life, which started off as a blog. And now I am a health coach. I am a mother to three grown men. I have two wonderful daughters in laws, I have a beautiful granddaughter, which is the light of my world, especially after having three boys. And I am married for the third time and the last time, the absolute last time.
So, I'm 58 years old. And it's really hard to tell you exactly when I hit menopause, because I had an IUD in for many years. And my doctor finally took it out once he tested my hormone levels. And once he took it out, I had no period and no cycle, so, I was in menopause.[1] And they took it out probably around age 54. But uh, certainly started having symptoms, I believe, around age 40 with hormone fluctuations. Now looking back, you know, at age 58, looking back to age 40, I can see it now I can connect the dots. But back then I couldn't. I started not being able to sleep well. And I felt like that that was just my life circumstances. Now looking back, I realized that it probably, I was low in progesterone, I had no idea. I didn't even think to question or ask.
Um, it wasn't really until I was 51 years old, that the belly fat started showing up. And that's when I was like, wait, what is going on? So, what made me realize about the belly fat, there really had been no change in everything. At the time I owned a barre studio, I was teaching barre classes, I was doing barre, I hadn't changed my eating. I ate pretty much what I wanted. I watched to a degree, but I hadn't really changed anything. And I noticed the belly fat. It's funny because my weight had always been more in my legs and hips. And then it transitioned to that belly fat.
I had slept so good before everything. But to be honest with you, I was going through a nasty divorce at age 40. So, all of a sudden, I could not sleep. So, I went to my doctor. And that was, I knew I needed to sleep just for rest, right. So, I was given a prescription. And honestly, I didn't… I thought I was sleeping well with this prescription. However, I think I monitored it with like, maybe a Fitbit or maybe some kind of monitoring device. And I realized I wasn't even getting the REM sleep that I thought, or the deep sleep that I thought I was getting. But again, I never connected the dots. Now looking back, I really believe it was a hormonal thing. So, when I couldn't sleep, this bad divorce I was going through was bad enough, right. And then to not be able to sleep. I had teenage boys at the time trying to raise them trying to focus on what was going on in my divorce. I mean, I was in…had meetings with attorneys’ depositions, I had a full-blown trial, I had to be coherent. And when you don't have that sleep, you end up with brain fog and everything else, which obviously, is a sign of perimenopause as well.1,2
So many things were affected by my lack of sleep. That yeah, caused me a lot of problem. I couldn't make good choices on what I was eating, how I was nourishing my body. I have always been a fanatic about exercise. So, I just exercised no matter what.
So then, knowing what I know now, that probably was another bad thing because I was increasing my stress so much with probably well, not probably, I know I was over exercising to compensate for everything else.
MJM
Perimenopause is so often a “retrospective diagnosis” - while you are experiencing the symptoms you really don’t know what to make of them - but years later you can put the puzzle together and say, “oh yes, that must have been the beginnings of perimenopause.”
Deanna really had a lot going on in her 40s, it’s no wonder she wasn’t feeling very attuned to her body. I see her experience reflected so often in my practice: it really is unfortunate that perimenopause – that’s the lead up to the moment where a woman has gone 12 months without a period1 – is so often happening alongside big life events. That might be parental health diminishing, kids needing support through the teen or college years, a demanding career, or like Deanna, the end of a long-term relationship or marriage.
Stress can have a profound effect on our wellbeing; it can impact sleep, contribute to slow recovery from illness and workouts, disrupt digestion and weight management, cloud our thinking, and strain relationships. Combine that with the brain fog and sleep disruption that are classic symptoms of perimenopause [2] and you’re looking at a pretty unpleasant day to day experience.
Stress has become so normalized in society, that it can feel like a big challenge to press pause and really consider whether all of this is manageable. If this feels familiar to you, the first thing I want to recommend is please do make an appointment with a health care professional.
You can tackle these issues one step at a time – and I very often begin with sleep, because once that’s improved, you are more capable to cope with everything else. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and journaling can also be very productive. And this can be a good time to reconfigure your work outs. Gentle exercise, like walking or yoga – especially in the evening - could help you clear your mind and set you up for a good night’s sleep. Vigorous aerobic exercise is great too - but keep that for early on in the day.[3]
Finally, I’d like to say a quick word about contraception in perimenopause. If you’re sexually active with a man: it’s important! Women can still become pregnant in perimenopause,[4] so if that’s not something you’re ready for, take contraception seriously.
So, let’s get back to Deanna, and how she began to implement positive changes in her life.
Deanna
So, my father died at age 59 of cancer and my mother got sick at age 60. She was in the hospital on her 60th birthday of cancer. She lived 15 more years to 75. During that time, I had a barre studio and loved life. But at 75, my mother passed away. And that was right in the middle of me owning my barre studio. So, she had remarried my stepfather who, at the time, we didn't know it, but later on after she passed away, we found out he had Lewy body dementia. So, I sold my barre studio, and was just going to take care of my stepfather who had Lewy body dementia. I was remarried. So, I just got to enjoy life, right. But as life has it, we can't do that all the time, I decided to start sharing my journey, my health and wellness journey, because at that time, I was 51 years old. So, I thought to myself, I may only have nine more good years, 60 was kind of my benchmark. And then, as I started sharing my journey on well and worthy life as just a blog, I started getting so many questions. And I had written a blog post on losing weight. And so, then I really started getting questions. And I didn't feel like I was qualified to coach somebody. But I knew I could help people I knew I could. So, I got certified with IIN - Institute of Integrative Nutrition and became a health coach. And as I started coaching, I noticed the women that were coming to me, were over 40. And they were struggling with all same things that I had. Again, it goes back to connecting the dots, and we have to do things in our 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, that we did differently in our 20s and 30s. And I think that's the biggest thing.
And then, you know, I really realized that people were not using these terms perimenopause, and menopause, which we need to use these terms, it's not a bad word. Because we need to start connecting those dots a lot earlier. Because if I had known then what I know now, it could have made a huge difference in my journey, a huge difference. And so, I'm hopeful that I can make a huge difference in other people's journey.
[Sting]
One of the things that bothers me the most, is how my libido has been totally off. You know, I've tried so many different things. But I think it is, because I do see myself as a different… differently than I did when I was young. And I don't know, just kind of, even when I was single, I felt more desirable. And, and now as I’ve become married again, we're in our ninth year of marriage, I have a granddaughter so now I'm a grandmother too. And that kind of makes me sound old. I don't really feel old, but it just, I think it's just I don't feel as desirable. I even said to my husband the other day, it's so funny to me as I felt like I still have a little belly. And I'm like your belly doesn't bother you at all does it? and it does to me, it makes me feel a little bit more unattractive. And so, I don't want to just traipse around with my clothes off. So, I don't feel as desirable. And it has affected our relationship. Because I mean, let's face it, I do you believe that sex in our marriages is so important. It helps keep us young and vibrant. And I want that. And so, it is about focusing too on my mindset and changing this perception of myself and talking to myself, you know almost these affirmations like you are desirable, and you know, it helps when he tells me I'm beautiful and you know, just trying to have a communication with him and explain to him. I'll be honest, my husband doesn't really get it still. And, you know, he's 66. You know, our therapist said the other day, he's never been with a menopausal woman. So, trying to educate him. It's, it is hard. And it's not his nature to sit there and, [and] try to understand my feelings and things like that. That's just not his nature. I think some women do have husbands like that and that's great, but my husband isn't like that. So that, to me, has been very, very difficult. I remember thinking at one point, I could go the rest of my life and never have sex again, which is so totally different from the person. I've always considered myself a very sexual being. And I thought, How sad. How sad is that. So, I mean, I really do work on that. Just like I work on my sleep. I work on my mindset around it. I work on my desire, and I think it is becoming playful. I think being playful. And that's hard for me. I don't know why that's so hard. But it is hard for me. The other day... but tell the story, y'all can edit this out or not. We have a pool. So, my husband and I were sitting by the pool. So, I was saying, hey, take some pictures of me, I was in my bathing suit. And I want to show people what the real deal looks like. I mean, you know, I'm fairly thin and everything, but I have you know, I don't have a perfect body. So, I was asking my husband, take some pictures, and he was like, well take off your top, take off... Like, I'm not taken off my top, stop, leave me alone. Finally, I just got, I mean, there's nobody in our backyard, it's just the two of us. I'm like, Okay, I'll take off my top. So finally, I'm like out here, well, I have to tell you that playfulness really transpired. And then we ended up in the bedroom. And it was wonderful. And I felt so much more desirable. So, I know it's a lot in my head. But it's hard to get there. It really is hard to get there. So, I really wanted to add more intimacy into our relationship. So, I had read about the six second kiss.[5] Now I'll be honest with you, we haven't done really well with it. But when we do, I think that is so important. Just that connection is so important because it isn't just about the sex. It is about that intimacy, and I'm still trying to teach my husband what sexual touch looks like. He knows what that looks like. But what nonsexual touch is, just with him, putting his hand on my shoulder, just with him rubbing my head, just being just, you know, not coming at me. Because that pushes me away and brings out way more of my serious side. Maybe it's that mother that grandmother and I was a single mother for many years too. So maybe that's part of it myself, you know, that serious side of me?
MJM
I have so much respect for Deanna for sharing that experience with us because it can be hard to really be open and honest about sex and intimacy. Deanna’s insight about the importance of attitude is very wise. As midlife women with a lot on our plates, it’s all too easy to forget about the role of foreplay, flirtation, and non-sexual intimacy in a fulfilling sex life.
Just as our bodies and self-image can change at midlife, so can sexual response.[2] There are real physiological changes going on here – maybe it’s vaginal dryness and discomfort, or perhaps previous routes to orgasm don’t work as they did before.[6] And if your partner is also in midlife, they too might be experiencing something new.
You don’t need to tackle this alone. You may need the support of a professional – a sex positive couples’ therapist, or some straightforward medical advice, but whether you’re single, dating or in a long-term relationship, you are entitled to sexual satisfaction – no matter what age and stage you’re at. For some of you, these topics might be difficult to bring up, but the right professional should provide a safe and judgment-free place to talk things through.
I had an in-depth conversation about sex at midlife with Dr. Laurie Mintz in our season 3 bonus episode. She has a host of practical tips, and it’s a great episode to listen to with your partner; it could be the gateway to some enlightening conversations.
[music]
This is menopause: unmuted where we talk about real women’s menopause stories.
I’m your host Mary Jane Minkin and if you’d like to listen to other women’s stories about their menopause experiences, visit menopauseunmuted.com
That’s also where you can get more information about menopause, and you can also talk to your health care provider.
Let’s get back to Deanna’s story.
Deanna
Yeah, so my mother and I really never discussed menopause or perimenopause for that matter. She had a hysterectomy around age 54, I guess, about the same time I guess I went through menopause. We never talked about it. The only thing she would tell me is she would just say…my mother was a beautiful woman, a beautiful woman until the day she died. However, when she started, well really, after 60, she started, you know, aging and the cancer didn't help her aging and wrinkles. And she would tell me all the time, just you wait, just you wait. She had gotten lots of attention when she was younger about how beautiful she was. And she's like, just to wait, you'll see you're not going to get the attention.
And I remember thinking at that time, I don't want that, I don't, that's not what I desire. In fact, I would I was almost a rebellion against her because my mother was one that always dressed to the tee, always had her makeup on and I would not wear makeup and I would not be dressed to the tee, and it would bother her so much. But I thought to myself at that point when she would say things like that, I'd be like, I want to just grow old, gracefully. I know that's a term that people use but, but I want to be this cute grandmother, this cute grandmother that's vibrant and has energy and…but I look like a grandmother. I mean, I look older. I mean it's not going to be something that I don't need the attention from men or from other people. And I feel like at 58 I am on that trajectory; that I have wrinkles, my body's not perfect. I'm that fun grandmother that goes to the park and slides down the slide and we have fun together and have energy and I hope to continue to be that fun, vibrant. And also, I want to be that sexual [sexual] older woman also.
MJM
What a positive note to end on! I feel energized just listening to Deanna’s story, and I hope you do to. The journey through menopause and midlife might not always be smooth sailing, but with the right support, good communication and positive lifestyle choices, this can be a fulfilling chapter of life.
I want to thank Deanna for sharing her experiences with us today.
I’m Mary Jane Minkin, and thanks for listening. If you know someone who would enjoy this episode, please share it, and help to spread the word. And you can check out our show notes at menopauseunmuted.com.
In our next episode, we’ll be listening to Sateria’s story.
[SATERIA PREVIEW CLIP]
“when you've experienced uterine fibroids, you're waiting with bated breath for menopause to occur so that the hemorrhaging stops, and the pain stops. And you're hopefully not looking at yet another fibroid surgery.”[7]
Before I go, I’d just like to say: don’t suffer in silence. Don’t worry about speaking up about your menopause.
Women should be able to discuss menopause with their health care providers. A woman can speak out about menopause with her OB/GYN, primary care provider, nurse practitioner or midwife. There are even designated menopause practitioners that a woman can visit if she needs more information.
Special thanks to the Women's Health team at Pfizer and to Studio Health for producing this series.
Talk soon.
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[Disclaimer]
[Pfizer sting]
The podcast is powered by Pfizer.
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References