Kwavi opens up about her inspiring journey of redefining her midlife with purpose and positivity. She shares her passion for helping women over 50 lead fulfilling lives and defy society's antiquated views on aging and menopause. Kwavi discusses her own experiences of menopause, the importance of self-care, and how embracing her true self is helping her live a joyful, impactful life.
In this inspiring episode, Kwavi shares her journey of redefining life after 50 and helping other women do the same. As a certified life coach, she encourages women to see midlife as a time of growth, joy, and self-discovery. Kwavi discusses her own experiences with menopause and aging, challenging societal expectations, and embracing this stage with confidence.
Kwavi highlights the importance of self-care and self-acceptance during midlife, when many women question their identity and purpose. Listen in for Kwavi’s insights on breaking free from limiting beliefs, prioritizing self-love, and celebrating the unique opportunities that midlife brings.
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Disclaimer: menopause: unmuted is designed to raise awareness, encourage communication, and share information. It is not designed to provide medical advice or promote or recommend any treatment option.
Episode 2, Kwavi's Story
MJM
It’s time to unmute menopause.
Hello, and thanks for joining me, Mary Jane Minkin, for another real-life menopause story.
In my work as an OBGYN and clinical professor at Yale University Medical School, I’m alongside women as they navigate some of the most significant moments in their life stories, and the journey through menopause can often feel like the closing of a very significant chapter.
The spectrum of emotions and experiences that herald puberty are often mirrored in perimenopause – it can be a time of confusion, trepidation and even excitement at what lies ahead; but the end of a woman’s reproductive years is so often shrouded in mystery, misunderstanding or sadly - shame, and I really want to change that.
The simple act of sharing stories is one of the best ways to break down barriers and that’s what menopause: unmuted is all about. Whether you’re just figuring perimenopause out, you’re fully on top of your symptoms, or you’re close to someone going through it, I want to welcome you along and assure you that even if things are tough right now, there is a lot to feel hopeful about.
Today we’re meeting Kwavi, an inspirational woman who is firmly in the driving seat of life! Like a lot of women, Kwavi has been thrown a few curve balls by menopause, but her positivity and hunger for knowledge have helped her to thrive at midlife.
So, let’s turn a new page, and meet Kwavi …
Kwavi
Hello. My name is Kwavi. I am 56 years old. I like to say 56 years bold, because I really believe in this whole concept of aging boldly. I've been married for about 23 years. Have two boys who are in college. I am so excited that I'm finally a free bird. I don't like to use the word empty nest because I feel they'll always come home.
And I work as a life coach. I really work a lot with women in their 50s and over, and I just think this time of our lives is a very exciting chapter, and I’m excited to be here today.
So, I was in college in the UK, and I remember one evening coming back from school, and I was there was a documentary on TV, and I was like, what is this about? And it was about how cattle are raised, and the whole process of getting meat to the table. And after watching that documentary, I just made the decision right there, and then I was going to stop eating meat. And quite frankly, it kind of moved into other areas where I decided to take a whole look at what I eat, what goes into my body. So, I stopped eating meat, chicken, fizzy drinks, candy. I just kind of stopped it all. And I noticed a big difference in the way I felt. And I was like, Oh, this is great.
And this was in my early like, I was late teens, early 20s, and I remember my friends finding it all so funny. Like, “this is the time you're supposed to be enjoying your life”, “Why are you doing…”. I’m like, “No, this is great.” And so fast forward to, you know, in my early 40s. Because bear in mind, I'd been doing this healthy living lifestyle for about 20 years, and it was working for me. And all of a sudden, I was in my early 40s, and I noticed acne, like adult acne, like as a teenager, I never went through acne. Didn't go through that process. And then all of a sudden, look at my face. I'm like, “What is this?” And it wasn't just regular acne, it was the kind that you couldn't even touch, like it was so painful, and this was on my face, and I was like, ah. So anyway, I went to different doctors and went to dermatologists, and she gave me some medication, took it, and it started to clear up, but I didn't realize, and no one else realized that that was my first entry into perimenopause. And I didn't know, because no one told me. My mom didn't talk about it, no one talked about it. So, I thought, Okay. I mean, I didn’t even feel like myself.
One night, I woke up in a like, in a pool of sweat. I was drenched, and my heart was racing. I'm like, what is going on? I'm like, something is wrong. And bear in mind, there were other little, subtle things that were happening up to this point, but I wasn't really. I'm like, Ah, getting older, what's going on? Completely ignored it. But that night, when I woke up, I was like, something is wrong. Heart, you know, palpitations, sweating, woke up, changed my clothing. I thought I was dying. I thought something was really wrong with me. Finally went back to sleep. Woke up in the morning, and I remember telling my husband, because he was oblivious to this. He was fast asleep. He didn't even know what was going on with me until the next morning. So, I tapped him, and I said, “Babe, I thought I was gonna die last night.” That's exactly how I said. He said’ “Why? What was wrong?” I said, “I woke up in a pool of sweat. My heart was racing. I didn't know what was going on.” And he looked at me with this very cool voice and said, “Oh, you're probably going through perimenopause.”
Now, background story, my husband is a physician, so that was just the comment he made. And I'm like, “Really?” He's like, “Go speak to your doctor”. I'm like, “Okay”, so at that point, I'm like, okay, but I was still not quite I'm like, what does this… First of all, I didn't even know how that could be related, but I'm like, “Okay, I'm gonna go speak to my doctor.” I made an appointment, spoke to my physician, and I was sending out all the other things that were going on with me. And she's like, “Yeah, that is perimenopause”. I'm like, “Why is no one talking about this?” Like, when you before you have your period, your mother's talking about it, aunties, godmother, sis[ters]. Everyone's telling you about that before you have your you know when you you know when you're getting into puberty, but menopause, no one talks about that. It was just, I was like, this information needs to be shared. More people need to know about it, especially women. We need to tell our daughters. We need to talk to our Goddaughters. We need to talk to other young women so that they are prepared beforehand, because the symptoms are numerous, lots and lots of symptoms.
MJM
Kwavi is not wrong, there are many symptoms of perimenopause and it’s not at all surprising to me that a lot of women struggle to put the initial pieces of the puzzle together. Hot flashes and night sweats are the most obvious signs of menopause – and it can be shocking the first time you experience one, but as Kwavi noticed, some of those other symptoms can be difficult to live with too.
That rapid, irregular or exaggerated heartbeat may be caused by a drop in estrogen levels,[1],[2] and is more common during perimenopause and in women who have surgically induced menopause.[1] I know this can feel alarming, but I hope hearing that perimenopause might a possible explanation to this symptom, can help ease these worries.
However, this is just one more reason why it’s really important to keep up regular appointments with your health care provider in perimenopause or menopause.
You can take care of your heart health by exercising, not smoking, moderating your alcohol intake and eating a well-balanced diet,[3] but if you have any concerns, or you have a family history of heart trouble, do make sure you get a full check-up.
Just like in puberty, acne in perimenopause is most commonly triggered by changing hormones, and the painful, type that Kwavi described is called cystic acne. Cystic acne is characterized by large, painful swellings which form deeper into the skin than more common forms of acne,[4] and if it appears on the face, it can really affect your confidence.
Kwavi was right to seek the advice of a dermatologist because in most cases, a good treatment plan can help improve acne.[4]
Even if you think you’re too young for perimenopause or are otherwise generally healthy, any changes in your health are always worth getting checked out, because as Kwavi notes, it’s important to listen to your instinct and seek help and advice in a timely fashion.
We asked Kwavi to reflect on her thoughts about aging…
Kwavi
To be honest with you, getting older and moving into a different phase of life didn't really bother me. And I think for me, it was more because I was born in England, I moved to Nigeria in my like, around 10 years old until my mid-teens, and I always had these visual images that I still remember of women in their 50s being celebrated, like women in their 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s being celebrated. So, for me, I had this amazing picture of, wow, I can't wait to get to be this age, because women at this age are celebrated. They, you know, the way they carry themselves with this amazing confidence. I was like, oh, I want to be like that when I grow up. So, relating menopause with getting older, it didn't really for me. It was not an issue that I was uncomfortable with. I was like, Okay, I'm moving into this next phase. My kids are getting older. This is time for me. So, I was actually excited. But I wasn't excited about the symptoms. I wanted to find a way to relieve, to alleviate the symptoms in some way. But the phase I was okay with. The phase, I'm like, Yeah, this is an exciting time, and this could even be way more exciting than what I've done in my past. So yeah, I was open to it. I was embracing aging with, you know, hands held high.
So, I did a lot of research, because I felt that, you know what, if there's anyone that's going to really be able to know what's going on for myself, it's me. And what I did, I did a lot of research of different countries and how they experienced menopause. And it was interesting with menopause, the first area I think most women should really tackle is what they're eating. I think nutrition is a big area that can help a lot, and that should be the first area that they focus on, because as we get older, our bodies are changing, and there's certain foods that we could tolerate when we're younger, and as we get older, our bodies are like, Oh no, I don't like that anymore. And so, you have to be very, very aware of the types of food that work for you and no longer work for you. And I know sometimes when I have this discussion with women, they'll say things like, Well, I feel normal. I'm like, Yeah, you might feel normal because you have now accepted this as your new normal. Have you even investigated to find that you could even feel better by looking at the types of food that can help you feel different? So yeah,
MUSIC – STING
I really want women to really be advocates for themselves, because sometimes I've spoken to some women who have gone to the doctor, for instance, and this is the doctor that probably brought their kids into the world, and when they're telling the doctor about their symptoms, they feel that they're almost being dismissed, but because they have this vision of, oh, doctor knows best in a white coat, he, you know, he or she must know what they're talking about, ignoring their own voice. Their inner voice is telling them that this person is not giving you the answer you need, but you stick with it, and so you're uncomfortable, you're miserable, you're frustrated, but you're going with an option that doesn't really work for you. I want women to advocate for themselves and listen to that inner voice and get a second opinion if they need to, and then make an informed decision about that.
But I've heard stories, countless stories, from women who feel well, you know, he's a doctor. He knows best. I know for a fact that a lot of doctors have said that they don't get a lot of education about menopause in medical school, and so they're just telling you what they know, but what they know might not work for you, and so being a strong advocate for yourself is what I encourage all women to do.
MJM
Kwavi is right, historically, there hasn’t been a lot of menopause-specific training for healthcare providers. According to survey data from 2022, only about 30% of the OBGYN residencies in the US and Canada had a formal menopause curriculum.[5] I do keep faith that this will improve. With the conversation around menopause becoming more mainstream, I am hopeful that change is happening in the medical establishment, too
Although it is very important to seek healthcare advice from a professional, the relationship with the patient is at its best when it’s collaborative – on both sides.
As a doctor, I always prefer it when patients tell me all about their symptoms and what their instincts are telling them. It can be a valuable part of diagnosis and treatment, and it helps to minimize what’s known as ‘the doorknob effect’ when a patient reveals what’s really concerning them, just as the doctor is about to walk out the door.
But if you feel that you’re not being listened to by your healthcare practitioner, I want to empower you to exercise your choice and find the right fit for you. Feeling validated and listened to by your health care provider can be a great motivator to take positive action in your health and wellness. There are resources online to help you find a menopause specialist – and I’ve included a link in the show notes.
Societal pressure to minimize the realities of aging is very real, and it can discourage women from talking about their menopause. I’m so glad that Kwavi had that experience of seeing how wisdom and age are respected and celebrated in other cultures, because getting older sure feels like a privilege to me.
This is menopause: unmuted where real women share their menopause stories.
I’m your host Mary Jane Minkin and I hope that you too feel inspired to talk about your menopause with someone you trust – sharing this podcast can be a great conversation starter.
For more information, check out this episode’s show notes, and of course, I encourage you to raise any concerns with your healthcare provider.
Now let’s get back to Kwavi to hear more about her perspective on midlife.
Kwavi
I do a lot of coaching with women, and one of the first things I tell them is how you think about aging, is how you experience aging. And so, getting them to think very differently about how they age is key. Unfortunately, we live in a society where women over the age of 50 are not regarded as important, or, you know, they just don't look at them as valuable. And so sometimes women now take that upon themselves and think, oh, that's the truth. That doesn't have to be your truth. You get to decide if you are and to be honest with you, we're older, we have so much wisdom, and so that in itself, is priceless. But I think with the statements they're getting, especially in the Western world, you get a little statement saying that you're no longer valued, because we live in a very youth obsessed society, you just feel like you want to shrink back. I mean, I have these conversations a lot in my community where I'm helping them to empower themselves, to realize that you don’t have to take those statements, don't have to be true for you if you don't want them to. And I think we're also at an age, at a stage where we're redefining what women in their 50s and beyond are, look like, can do. And I always make I always tell people, when people make statements like, oh, maybe they see someone and they say, Oh, my goodness, that person looks great for their age. And I always say, that's not a that's not a compliment, that's not a compliment. The only reason why you'd make a statement like that is because you have this version that you have been fed of how a woman at that age should look like. But guess what that woman is that age, and that's what she looks like. So, she looks good, period. That's it.
So, at this age, I think it's not uncommon to find high rates of divorces, and you know, the kids are leaving home, so you're seeing all these major life transitions, and these affect women in different ways. And one of the areas I've heard a lot of women speak about is their libido. At this stage, it's like, it goes down like nonexistent, and most can be, most times can be related to menopause. So, they see the correlation, and, and, and I know for me personally, at least, I can say for myself, I noticed that in myself, like mid 40s, yeah, and I'm I didn't know that it was menopause. I just thought, Okay, you're getting older. That's what happens. And after speaking with my doctor, I found that that wasn't the case. I started doing research on my own too, because I love to find out for myself, like, Okay, what is really the reason for this? And so, I think that a lot of women are going through that, but I know that most women don't want to talk about it. It's just not an area that most people are comfortable talking they're like, I won't talk about my sex life, but the things, if you don't talk about it, you can't get help. And I think there are lots of women suffering in silence when it comes to menopause symptoms in general, because they don't know that there's help for them, and they don't even, they don't even know that what they're going through is even related to menopause, which is sad because, because we're not talking about it, they don't know and and the sad part there is help out there. I mean, there's so many different options. You just have to find the one that works for you. I found some that works for me, and I'm like, Yes, but you have to find the one that works for you. And I think you know the sexual your sexual life, sexual wellness, your sexual life, that's an important aspect of a relationship, and so when that breaks down, that can affect your relationship with that other person. And so yeah, it's but there's help out there. Just wanna let you ladies know there is help out there. Find something that works for you.
I think when you're in a relationship with someone, it's important to have those difficult conversations, awkward conversations, that you know when you're in a relationship with someone, and you can find which way works for you, because people are different. I've had spoken. I've spoken in my community. Some women will write notes, you know, to their partner and say, I want to talk about this, this, this, this, because it's just difficult, challenging, almost. They feel uncomfortable, and so finding a way to talk about them, whether it's through a note, actually verbally, saying it out loud, or setting the mood so you can discuss it, going to a neutral place to talk about it. Find a way that works for you. Bottling it up inside is not going to make it any better. And so being able to just have that conversation, because it's for both of you. And so, I always tell my, I always tell my, my, in my community of women, I tell them, “Find a creative way of doing it. You could even make it fun”, you know, find a way to have that conversation. Because I would say I used to think about this when I first got married, I used to find very frustrating that my husband could not read my mind. I don’t know why I thought he could, like, I'd get upset, and I'm like, doesn't he know I'm upset? And he'll ask me, “are you upset?” and I'm like, “No, I'm not upset.” But then he's not a mind reader. Your partner is not a mind reader. Your partner might have no clue of what you're going on, what's going on with you, and so you have to verbalize that. You have to let your partner know what's going on, or else they can't help you, and you can't have that conversation.
MJM
I know I’ve been guilty of saying that someone looks great ‘for their age’ and Kwavi has just given me a great reason to change my thinking about that!
Good communication is an art, but it can also be hard work, especially when intimate relationships are faced with a lot of unpredictable change.
Kwavi’s tips to start conversations are really great, and if you’re experiencing pain or difficulties with sex, just talking about it can be the first step to regaining intimacy and trust. Everyone is entitled to a healthy and fulfilling sex life, regardless of your age or relationship status. Menopause should not stop you from enjoying sex and if you’re suffering through discomfort or finding reasons to avoid sex, please do seek help.
We have an episode called “An Intimate Menopause” where I had an enlightening conversation with sexuality psychologist Dr. Laurie Mintz – you can find this episode in this feed , or you can also go to the show notes, we’ve added a link for you there, too.
Now, let’s return to Kwavi and listen to her talk about what she’s looking forward to in this stage of life…
Kwavi
Okay so I have two boys, almost 19 and 22, they're three years apart, and I don't tell them a lot, but I definitely let them know what's going on with me, like, for instance, this stage of my life, I let them know that I am very excited about the fact that they're now on their own. I've raised them because my younger son was asking me about that, like, So, “what are you gonna do now I'm in college.” I'm like, “What am I gonna do? I have a lot of things I could do” and so, but I let him know that it's okay, because, as our kids are leaving home, we don't want to, you know, project our, you know, fears on them, right? And so, I want him to know that you know what, I'm okay. You go ahead and do you know you're living a new life. You have a new phase. College life is a new phase for you. I want you to enjoy that phase for yourself without worrying about how I'm doing. I'm like, I'm fine. And so, with regards to menopause and stuff, no, I haven't discussed that with them, and there will come a time where I really do want to have that conversation with them, because I really do believe that men and women need to know this. They need to know this for themselves. They need to know this if they have a partner that's experiencing that, and I think it's just general knowledge, just knowing that I think you know you don't, it doesn't hurt to know about what goes on with women.
So, if you're about to or probably like close enough to perimenopause or menopause, one of the things I want you to just embrace is everyone's journey is different, and you, by far, will always know more than anyone else, like you are the expert of yourself. You know your body better than anyone else, and so you always have to be your own advocate. And I always want women to remember that you know you, you, ….there's a there's a statement by Helen Mirren, that I absolutely love, “you either die young or you grow old. There's no in between. And so as we're on this journey, embrace every step.” You get older, that’s huge I mean, that's huge. I mean, not everyone even gets to experience that. I always like to tell my, my community of women like sometimes when they're, you know, talking about, “Oh my goodness, these symptoms.” And I tell them, “You know what? I understand. The symptoms can be hard to deal with but think about the fact that you can actually be grateful for the fact that you've got to an age where you able to experience menopause.”
All right, so I'm 56 and I'm actually post-menopausal, which I have to admit, is a lovely feeling. I'm past most of the different symptoms, and I feel great. Now, I have to admit, there are days where I'm like hoof, you know, but it's, it's a great journey. I'm past that point. I don't miss the fact that I can no longer, I no longer have a period or have I don't want that anymore in my life. And so, this is a I'm embracing this next chapter with open arms and open to all the different exciting things that I can do and have. So yeah, it's, it's a, it's a great time.
MJM
Embrace every step…excellent advice from Kwavi and I want to thank her and wish her all the best for her new era as a free bird.
There are a lot of benefits to getting older, and Kwavi’s story is an excellent reminder that this can be a period of increased confidence, feeling more secure about who you are, and getting a little more time to prioritize your own health and wellbeing.
The days are gone where women need to suffer in silence. Don’t worry about speaking up about your menopause or seeking the help you need.
I’m Mary Jane Minkin, thanks so much for listening and helping to make menopause: unmuted such a success.
I’m so grateful to all of the women – and a few men - who have been in touch to share their stories with the production team. If you’d like to find out about taking part, or perhaps you know someone who you think would be a great guest, do check out the show notes, where you’ll find more information.
We have more menopause stories in store for you, do follow or subscribe to this feed to keep updated when they are ready.
And remember, women should be able to discuss menopause with their healthcare providers. A woman can speak out about menopause with her OB/GYN, primary care provider, or nurse practitioner. There are even designated menopause practitioners that a woman can visit.
Special thanks to the Women's Health team at Pfizer and to Studio Health for producing this series.
Talk soon.
[Disclaimer]
This podcast is provided for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace discussions with a healthcare provider. Please speak with your healthcare provider regarding any health questions. The opinions expressed in this podcast are the opinions of the individuals recorded, and not necessarily opinions endorsed by Pfizer. The women in this podcast are participating voluntarily and have not been compensated for their appearance. The host has been compensated by Pfizer. The podcast is only intended for residents of the United States.
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